When you hear the word co-parenting, what actually comes to mind? Cooperation? Mutual respect? Doing what is best for the kids? Or does your body tense up because your lived experience tells a very different story?
Tonight, my partner and I went to the Luke Bryan concert in Pittsburgh. It was incredible, as always. We have gone every year he has been here, and it is something we genuinely look forward to. The music, the crowd, the shared experience, it has always felt like a moment to breathe.
Years ago, during the early stages of my separation and divorce, I took my daughter to her first Luke Bryan concert. She went with her boyfriend, me, and the man I had started seeing after the separation. My ex and I technically had 50/50 custody at the time, something my attorney strongly advised against because of my history of abuse and his personality traits. But the threats he made if I did not agree terrified me, and fear will make you agree to things you know are not right. That night, we had an epic time at Heinz Field and made memories I will never forget.
As we walked back to the car, my daughter’s phone rang. It was her dad. She answered like she always did. On the other end of the line, he was screaming. We could all hear him. He was enraged that she had posted a photo of us at the concert, furious that she was happy and making memories with us. He threatened to kill me, slash my partner’s tires, and cursed at my daughter for going to the concert at all. Ironically, he had never enjoyed doing things like that when we were together. Needless to say, the night ended on a heavy note.
The next morning, as we got up for work and school, my partner went out to his truck. His tires had been slashed. No one needed to say it out loud. Even the kids knew who did it. At the time, he was a police officer, so accountability was nonexistent. That was the beginning of protection-from-abuse filings and a reality I never imagined I would be living. Watching your children recognize violence for what it is and know exactly who caused it is a heartbreak that does not fade.
Fast forward a few years. COVID shut concerts down, and life moved on. This year, for my birthday, I bought Luke Bryan tickets months in advance for my son and me. I wanted him to experience his first Luke concert with me, just like his sister did. If you have ever been to one of Luke’s sold-out Pittsburgh shows, you understand why that mattered. But once again, my ex found a way to control the narrative.
After six years of 50/50 custody, he is now attempting to gain full physical and legal custody of my fifteen-year-old son. This did not come out of nowhere. Parental alienation has been happening for years. As a mother, a developmental specialist, and an educator of over twenty-five years, you never truly believe the child you carried and raised could be turned against you so thoroughly. Manipulation has always been his weapon, and this time it worked. My son refused to go to the concert, even after attorneys became involved and attempts were made to start therapy for both of us. Therapy that my ex interfered with from the very beginning.
The pain of being separated from your child because of manipulation is unlike anything else. It is grief. It is a loss. And it is something no parent should ever have to endure.
Co-parenting is supposed to be a two-way street. It is supposed to be a partnership, an agreement built around the needs of the children. When I work with clients, I have them write out exactly what they want their co-parenting plan to look like. Then we discuss it, clarify expectations, and put it in writing so there is no confusion. This is how families avoid constant conflict and stop using children as leverage.
But co-parenting only works when both parents are mature, unselfish, and committed to following the plan. When one parent is focused on control, winning, money, or ego, it becomes a one-way street. The responsible parent carries the burden. The children become pawns. And everyone pays the price.
EVERYONE!
