When you hear the word co-parenting what thoughts come to mind? Tonight, my partner and I went to the Luke Bryan concert! Which was amazing! We have gone every year he has been here in Pittsburgh. We always look forward to it and the whole experience. (My Ex and I have 50/50 custody, which my attorney told me not to do because she knew the type of personality we were dealing with based on my abusive history with him. But the threats he was making to me if I didn’t, I was scared to do anything else then.) I took my daughter the first year with her boyfriend, me, and the guy I was in a relationship with long after the separation and divorce process started, and we both started seeing someone.
We had a blast. Epic time at Heinz Field. As we returned to the car my daughter’s phone rang and it was her dad calling, my Ex. She answered it like any other time. On the other end was her father screaming at her because she posted a picture of us all at the concert. We could all hear him cursing and flipping out because she was having a good time making memories with us all. He was threatening to kill me and slash the guy’s tires and pissed at my daughter for going with us to hear Luke. He never enjoyed doing things like that when we were together. It put a damper on the evening…needless to say.
The sad part…the following day when we got up to go to work and school, my partner had his truck there and guess who had his tires slashed? Of course, he will never admit it because he was a cop then. But PFA here we come. Even the kids knew it was him, which broke my heart.
Fast forward a few years of no concerts due to COVID-19 and this year for an early birthday present, I got tickets months ahead for my son and me with the same guy I have been with since the first concert. I wanted him to experience a Luke Bryan concert for the first time with me just like my daughter. (If you have been to one of his sold-out shows in Pittsburgh you would understand the value.) But this time, the Ex strikes again because he is now, after 6 yrs. of 50/50, trying to get full physical and legal custody of my 15-year-old son.
Why? He has been alienating me from my son for years. We all saw it coming. But, as a mom, a Developmental Specialist, and a teacher for 25 + years with children, you never think the baby you gave birth to will treat you with such disrespect as the father has when living through it. Sadly though…manipulation has been the name of his game, and my son refused to go to the concert even after getting attorneys involved and trying to get therapy in place for my son and me. Which the Ex has interfered with from the beginning. My heart breaks every day I am not with him, my son, not the Ex. It is unlike any other pain you can imagine for a mom. A loss and grief pain.
Co-parenting is a two-way street. Now somehow, because I finally started standing up for myself and other men and women going through similar things by becoming a Divorce, High-Conflict, and Co-parenting Coach, this year’s concert was just not the same because someone was missing. My Ex manipulated my life again by using my son as the pawn just as he did my daughter at her first Luke concert with me.
Co-parenting is a partnership. An agreement. When I work with my clients I have them write what they want for their co-parent plan. Then discuss with your partner. Then sign it so there is no confusion. This is how families can do it differently instead of fighting and arguing and using the kids as pawns. It takes two mature, unselfish, and responsible parents to follow through with the plan. When one is only worried about winning, controlling, manipulating, money, and their selfish interests, it becomes a one-way street for the responsible parent. And who pays the price?
EVERYONE!
